What do I want in a date?
I ask myself that a lot.
Especially when I am on a dating app, because dating apps seem to require that I know immediately.
Swipe right.
Swipe left.
Yes.
No.
Potential.
Absolutely not.
And apparently I have a lot of absolutely nots.
No bio? Left.
First picture holding a fish or a dead animal? Left.
A bio that is nothing but a list of everything you do not want in a woman? Left.
Tell me you are conservative? Left.
Tell me you are liberal? Also left.
Tell me to “swipe the way you vote”? Definitely left.
Too sporty? Left.
Not sporty enough?….Apparently also left.
Misspell their, there, or they’re? Left.
Weather and whether? I cannot recover from that either. Left.
Tell me how sexy you are? Oh, yes! Left!
“Not sure what I want”? Eh…left.
And sometimes, somewhere around swipe number forty-seven, I have to stop and ask myself a very reasonable question:
Is this fair?
Because the truth is, I am not entirely sure what I want either.
I know what I do NOT want.
I do not want to be lied to.
I do not want cheating.
I do not want stealing.
I do not want addiction controlling someone’s life — drugs, pornography, or anything else that leaves no room for an actual relationship.
But those feel like fairly basic requirements for being a good partner. I should not have to put “please do not lie, cheat, steal, or have an active addiction” under What I’m Looking For.
Beyond that?
I want a good man. I want doors opened. I want to be treated like a lady.
I want kindness. I want character. I want someone who can communicate. Someone who can laugh. Someone who is curious about me instead of simply waiting for his turn to talk.
But please, no small talk.
I cannot.
Ask me something interesting. Tell me something real. Tell me what you are proud of. Tell me something you changed your mind about. Tell me why your best friend likes you. Tell me what your kids taught you. Tell me what you are building, learning, regretting, laughing about, or looking forward to.
Just please do not ask me how my day was for six consecutive days.
And if the conversation suddenly turns into “What is your favorite sex position?” before we have even met, or honestly, even before we’ve kissed?
There is no thoughtful analysis required.
Block.
Maybe this sounds picky. And, maybe it is.
But I also think dating apps encourage us to become incredibly picky about things that may not matter nearly as much in a real relationship.
What time do you go to bed?
What do you eat?
What do you do every weekend?
Do you hike?
Do you golf?
Do you travel?
Do you watch football?
Those things tell me something about you, but they do not necessarily tell me whether we could be good together. Because what I do on weekends while I am single may not be what I do on weekends when I care about someone.
Sometimes I might want to do something simply because you love it. Not because it was already one of my hobbies. Because I like you and I want to know your world.
To me, it’s fun and entertaining to watch someone I care about light up over something they love, and it can make that thing interesting to me too.
And hopefully you would do the same.
Will you come with me to something that would never have made your Saturday list? Am I invited to go with you somewhere I would never have chosen on my own? I hope so!
I have told myself a thousand times that a future relationship is not about finding someone whose existing life fits perfectly into yours. There will be adjustments. At this age everyone has their own life and so it only makes sense there will be things that we do separately.
What if I’m wrong about that? Maybe it is actually about creating a third life together. One that has pieces of mine. Pieces of yours. I hope there are things neither of us knew we would love until we found them together.
I do not need to know exactly what I want. I need to know what matters.
Character matters.
Honesty matters.
Kindness matters.
Respect matters.
Curiosity matters.
How someone handles conflict matters.
How they treat people who cannot do anything for them matters.
Whether their words and behavior live in the same place matters.
Maybe I do not need a man who checks every box on likes and dislikes and compatibility.. Maybe, I need a man whose character makes me want to put the checklist down.
And until then?
No bio?
Still left.
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